dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
