Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
