She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
