Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
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