Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
