that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
