bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
