THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I just found puke in my bra..
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Holy shit dude........stairs
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
