the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
