So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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