i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The uberlube is also flammable
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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