The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
