i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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