I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
