Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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