Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
