she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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