Four minutes until I can fart!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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