Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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