My Higher Power is John Stamos
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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