I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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