I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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