Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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