My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
