I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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