if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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