Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
