I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
