yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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