if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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