how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
