already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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