I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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