R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
