The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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