and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
