Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
