Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
