Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
