He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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