I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
