How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
