i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
