So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
