i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize