Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
areolas are like halos for boobs.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
