I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I stole a fireplace last night.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
