we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
