i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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