Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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