no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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