Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just found a bag of teeth...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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