I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
