Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize