I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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