So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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