you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
cat food counts as protein by the way
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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