Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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