Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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