420 ftw
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
