My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
